Tag Archives: inspiration

Hate Me Now

I’ve been getting a lot of great feedback and encouragement recently in my personal life and in regards to my career and my writing.

I enjoy genuine compliments, but I’m much more interested right now in finding out who hates me. Somewhere, someone in the world thinks my ideas are stupid, thinks they can write better than me or thinks they can do what I do but better. I have silent haters, and that sucks. Not because they hate me, but because I can’t hear them.

People admire celebrities because they have so many devoted fans. I’m only jealous of celebrities because they have vocal haters. Fans buy their music, read their books, wear their clothes … but haters are the ones who help them take their game to the next level.

I can’t wait until the day when someone shows up here to hate on me. I’m trying to take what I do on this site and on Mouth Of The Border to a different level. I want to create content that’s valuable for you and make you feel as excited as I do about what I’m living and experiencing. Leave reading the things I share with you having learned something new or seeing a situation in a different light.

And when the day comes when haters start showing up in my comments and in my inbox, I hope that people let them hate. I want to be challenged, I want to provoke. Let them hate because I need to hear them to make the best possible writing I can.

It’s inevitable that at some point in my journey there will be people who hate me as much as other people love me. I can’t wait until that happens.

Music for the Haters (Click song title to listen)

Hate Me Now – Nas
“Best storyteller thug narrator my style’s greater
Model dater, big threat to a lot of you haters
Commentators ringside try watchin my paper”

Some People Hate – Jay-Z
“Raw rough and rugged, when addressin’ the mass public
My attitude is fuck it cause motherfuckers love it
Got a, chip on my shoulder the size of the Golden Nugget in Vegas
And fuck bein famous, I came to get the butters
I came from the gutter, my success in this game”

Know What I’m Sayin’ – Mike Jones
“So do me a favor, and recognize that you a hater that couldn’t see me if I was your neighbor…
Shiit, middle fingers up (haters down).
We ’bout that drama, so if you don’t want it bitch don’t bring us up…
(Know what I’m saying)”

Can’t Fuck With Queen Bee – Lil’ Kim
“I know you wishin’ that you wrote this song
But these same words comin’ from you, would be a joke
You better off takin’ heed from your boy Jada
I know you, hate dyin’ – but you gon’ die a hater
I got a vision, I think for the future baby pah
Y’all nearsighted, lotta y’all, can’t see that far Lil’ Kim”

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A Handmade Life

A 2007 entry in my journal

A 2007 entry in my journal

I wrote the below in my journal (see image above) a couple of months after I moved to New York.

“handmade life” implies something individualized, not mass-produced or machine-animated for the general population. “handmade” implies something genuine and stitched together with care. Choosing harmonious elements and weaving them together slowly, sometimes pricking your/my forefinger and letting the blood color a small corner of the finished product. Continue reading

Diary of a Decision, Part II

May 17, 2006
Just wanted to put down on paper that I have decided to move to NYC. Time to make it happen. MAKE IT HAPPEN. What was it? Looking @ Craigslist last night and seeing that I’ll be able to get an apt. Looking through Gourmet magazine and remembering that all the great restaurants and cooking classes that I want to check out are in NYC. Make it happen. I need new friends. I haven’t let anyone here know all of me .. just a piece for this one and a slice for that one. All this self-protection, all these secrets. I want to let in strangers, let them know me completely. I guess we all want to be loved like that.

If I can empty myself again, like my Japanese well, I can fill myself up with something new. Something light, hot and shimmering. I’m finding my incandescence.

What makes me think I can? Well, who’s to say that I can’t? I always have and I always will.

May 25, 2006
I want to go. Today, I envisioned myself with shorter hair and places to go. I want not to redefine but to seek out a place where I can begin to give everyone all of me. I’m tired of giving this person this one side and this one another. But I’m not willing to lose the friendships based on those sides. So, I disconnect and go to another place that will forgive me for my realness.

September 5, 2006
How many people get the opportunity to change their life completely? How many can say they actually changed the course of their own existence? I am one of the lucky ones that realizes the value of letting go. Because I refuse to cling to the familiar, the comfortable and the loved, I will be rewarded with the chance to create my own world. The reality of that is just beginning to sink in.

To think that all of my hopes, and the hopes my family has had for me, will be realized is breathtaking. I will have those streets filled with people speaking other languages [note: this is a huge deal for me . . . in my journal when I was in high school and applying for college, I wrote that I wanted to live somewhere where I would never be bored and could walk down the street and hear all different languages]. I will have strange conversations on the train. I will have art house cinemas, more restaurants than I’ll ever eat at and museums to occupy me through endless weeks of rainy days. I will have my city.

New friends will have seen more places that me, will share w/me things I couldn’t have imagined on my own. I will be powerfully loved. Energy will find me. I’m about to enter the most challenging year of my life .. personally and professionally. In 2007, I’ll write a book. I’m anticipating more blood on the paper.

September 19, 2006
With only twelve weeks left, I guess I better decide who I want to be and and who I’d like to become when I get there. What do I want?

-smart, honest, creative friends who do stuff.
-culture (indie movies, museums, more concerts, cooking classes)
-time to travel
-healthy .. more walking, do Pilates @ a studio
-learn more about food and the cultures it comes from
-learn more about “blackness,” and what it means to be black

It just occurred to me that 10 years ago, right now I would have been starting at NYU. I was making a similar list of what I wanted from college back in the spring of 1996. Things really do come full circle. It’s funny that I still want some of the same things.

November 7, 2006
M came over last weekend and left with my Pier 1 tables and my awesome huge candleholder, coffeemaker and silicone bakeware. Yesterday, __ and ___ came by to pay for the furniture. It was so weird to see them leaving the house with my cooling racks and casserole dishes and dessert plates. My past is walking out of my life. Literally. Love is love. Love is love.

Caption: To Do list for my last week in NH.

Caption: To Do list for my last week in NH.

December 16, 2006 1:44 a.m.
What to write? Who needs luck when you have love and determination? I know I am pretty much in a state of shock and won’t process the fact that I have just up and left everything and everyone I know until after I’m gone. There are people I didn’t even get a chance to say goodbye to. I’m so excited the day is finally here.

“And whether or not it is clear to you, the universe is unfolding as it should.” .. Desiderata, Max Ehrmann

And, really, this is just the beginning of the story. There is so much more to come. Do me a favor and tell your NYC friends on MySpace to check out my writing and to subscribe or send along a friend request if they like what they read. My goal all along has been to move in December and be settled by New Year’s Eve. NYE is my favorite holiday (along with July 4th, because of the fireworks). What better place to celebrate it than where the ball drops in real life and not just on TV? No more fantasy. Sh*t is real. This is my life.

This post is a continuation of Diary of a Decision, Part I.

Diary of a Decision, Part I

The following are excerpts from my handwritten journal, along with explanatory notes.

April 4, 2006
I was born to do this. I was born to do this. There will be blood on the paper because this is the only thing I know beyond myself. It is myself.

That’s it. Do you feel the tingling? Someone sitting in another place, doing another thing, is having an impact on your life. The moment before the pendulum repeats its arc. No stopping now. Do it. Continue reading

Ok GO! (free write no. 1)

This is a free write, which means I’m not caring about the literary value of this entry or whether I use a dash where I should use a semi-colon. I just need to write and remember where I heard this song that’s stuck in my head.

I’ve been running all over creation, living from ticket to ticket and out of pink suitcases, briefcases, sneakers, iPods and mittens. I think I have issues with pink addiction.

I’ve been thinking a lot about soundtracks for a future entry I’m writing. Have you ever noticed that a couple of days will go by, and all these previously meaningful or presently pertinent or just plain great songs keep playing wherever you go? Continue reading

Energy (free write no. 2)

“Hot damn ho, here we go again.
Light as a rock, bitch. Hard as a cock, bitch.
This shit knock for blocks through hardtops
in the parkin’ lots, where my nigga Rock like to spark-a-lot.
My Brook-lyn style speak for itself.
Like a wrestler, another notch under my belt.
The embezzler, chrome treasurer,
the U-N-O competitor, I’m ten steps ahead of ya.”

– Lil’ Kim, “Quiet Storm” remix w/Mobb Deep.
(For more on what this song means to me, read “Music Coursing Through My Veins”.)

There is an energy that connects all of us and everything we come into contact with. If you can get close enough to touch someone, you can change them just by being that near to them. Call it magnetism or attraction – what you want is drawn to you in direct proportion to how much you want it. The fact that I need a name for it prevents me from trying to talk about it, so the lesson or the message eludes me. But other people who have this knowledge and ability know what I’m talking about without needing a label. Continue reading

Getting in Trouble

NOTE: This post was originally published on a different blog of mine in 2006.

I don’t think I’ve ever properly thanked the bundle of you who have signed on to read everything I dish out, even when it’s crap or a bunch of pictures or a love poem.

You know what? I really appreciate that you’ve stuck around this long. (Yes, Original Hater, that includes you, too.) I hope you’re enjoying the new profile page, because I designed it for you. I wanted to make it easier to access all of my stories, even the crappy ones that you may have missed at the beginning. All of the blog links should be fixed now, so please check them out. Consider it a token of appreciation – and an appropriate one, as one of my very first blog subscribers did the coding for me. Continue reading