Diary of a Decision, Part II

May 17, 2006
Just wanted to put down on paper that I have decided to move to NYC. Time to make it happen. MAKE IT HAPPEN. What was it? Looking @ Craigslist last night and seeing that I’ll be able to get an apt. Looking through Gourmet magazine and remembering that all the great restaurants and cooking classes that I want to check out are in NYC. Make it happen. I need new friends. I haven’t let anyone here know all of me .. just a piece for this one and a slice for that one. All this self-protection, all these secrets. I want to let in strangers, let them know me completely. I guess we all want to be loved like that.

If I can empty myself again, like my Japanese well, I can fill myself up with something new. Something light, hot and shimmering. I’m finding my incandescence.

What makes me think I can? Well, who’s to say that I can’t? I always have and I always will.

May 25, 2006
I want to go. Today, I envisioned myself with shorter hair and places to go. I want not to redefine but to seek out a place where I can begin to give everyone all of me. I’m tired of giving this person this one side and this one another. But I’m not willing to lose the friendships based on those sides. So, I disconnect and go to another place that will forgive me for my realness.

September 5, 2006
How many people get the opportunity to change their life completely? How many can say they actually changed the course of their own existence? I am one of the lucky ones that realizes the value of letting go. Because I refuse to cling to the familiar, the comfortable and the loved, I will be rewarded with the chance to create my own world. The reality of that is just beginning to sink in.

To think that all of my hopes, and the hopes my family has had for me, will be realized is breathtaking. I will have those streets filled with people speaking other languages [note: this is a huge deal for me . . . in my journal when I was in high school and applying for college, I wrote that I wanted to live somewhere where I would never be bored and could walk down the street and hear all different languages]. I will have strange conversations on the train. I will have art house cinemas, more restaurants than I’ll ever eat at and museums to occupy me through endless weeks of rainy days. I will have my city.

New friends will have seen more places that me, will share w/me things I couldn’t have imagined on my own. I will be powerfully loved. Energy will find me. I’m about to enter the most challenging year of my life .. personally and professionally. In 2007, I’ll write a book. I’m anticipating more blood on the paper.

September 19, 2006
With only twelve weeks left, I guess I better decide who I want to be and and who I’d like to become when I get there. What do I want?

-smart, honest, creative friends who do stuff.
-culture (indie movies, museums, more concerts, cooking classes)
-time to travel
-healthy .. more walking, do Pilates @ a studio
-learn more about food and the cultures it comes from
-learn more about “blackness,” and what it means to be black

It just occurred to me that 10 years ago, right now I would have been starting at NYU. I was making a similar list of what I wanted from college back in the spring of 1996. Things really do come full circle. It’s funny that I still want some of the same things.

November 7, 2006
M came over last weekend and left with my Pier 1 tables and my awesome huge candleholder, coffeemaker and silicone bakeware. Yesterday, __ and ___ came by to pay for the furniture. It was so weird to see them leaving the house with my cooling racks and casserole dishes and dessert plates. My past is walking out of my life. Literally. Love is love. Love is love.

Caption: To Do list for my last week in NH.

Caption: To Do list for my last week in NH.

December 16, 2006 1:44 a.m.
What to write? Who needs luck when you have love and determination? I know I am pretty much in a state of shock and won’t process the fact that I have just up and left everything and everyone I know until after I’m gone. There are people I didn’t even get a chance to say goodbye to. I’m so excited the day is finally here.

“And whether or not it is clear to you, the universe is unfolding as it should.” .. Desiderata, Max Ehrmann

And, really, this is just the beginning of the story. There is so much more to come. Do me a favor and tell your NYC friends on MySpace to check out my writing and to subscribe or send along a friend request if they like what they read. My goal all along has been to move in December and be settled by New Year’s Eve. NYE is my favorite holiday (along with July 4th, because of the fireworks). What better place to celebrate it than where the ball drops in real life and not just on TV? No more fantasy. Sh*t is real. This is my life.

This post is a continuation of Diary of a Decision, Part I.

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One response to “Diary of a Decision, Part II

  1. Hey emily – I worked all day and settled in for a little law and order svu (i am headed back to work at 9am) and decided to browse your blog while watching and love it. I click on random links “hair, friends, etc” I stay away from the heavy ones cause you know how I feel about “feelings” – I avoid them like the plague. But nice job – love reading the old school shit on your blog. especially you as a nyc newbie. You are an awesome writter. I have enjoyed going through your old school writing – i may think you’re nuts for putting it ALL out there – but mad props – cause its sat night at midnight and i’m reading it as opposed to reading my book. props. you win.

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