I Feel Weird, Knowing You’re Reading Me

This is bits and pieces written over the course of about a week.
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(Thoughts) Something that made me sad today: A man was walking ahead of me on Madison Avenue as I was on my way back to my office. I saw him saying “Excuse me. Excuse me,” to a lady in front of him. She had earmuffs on. Whether or not she heard him or not, I don’t know. He shook his head and she kept walking.

I couldn’t help but make eye contact with him when I passed. He said, “Excuse me,” so I paused. It was a busy street, I wasn’t worried about myself. He said, “Are you from New York? I’m from Yonkers – I’ve been in the city since last night and I’ve been walking a very long time. All I’ve been asking people, what I want to ask you is, I’m very hungry. Can you help me get something to eat?”

I have a soft heart for homeless & hungry people. I’ll never get over it. I don’t give every beggar change, but I always feel sad. Anyways, I had nothing on me except my legal pad and office keys. I told him I was very sorry, and he went on his way. It broke my heart. I looked up at the city skyline and hoped — asked — God to help him.

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New York is just this amazing place, you know? One second, I’m surrounded by old money and power suits, the next second, I’m turning a corner into Chinatown where everyone is short and no one speaks English. I love that. It’s stinky here. The people have a rep for being rude, but they’re actually nicer than Boston natives. They’re not rude, just extraordinarily direct. Time is money here, no matter what echelon you belong to, so you better know where you’re going and what you what you want all the time.

I don’t know who said it first, but “New York is a city of finalists.” I’m surrounded by people who are at the top of their game. You have to want something very much to get it here, because there’s always a chance that the person at your heels wants it more badly than you. It’s awesome. Good thing I’ve developed a competitive streak and a bit of a mind for business.

There’s this woman sitting behind me and she keeps yelling “Hola!” into her phone. It’s driving me nuts.

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I would have to sit down tonight and really think. About the ways I’ve changed before I set it down to e-paper. Living here has changed me, but not a ton. My relationship with the ex-fiance changed me more than I’d like to admit to anyone – to the point where I should probably have sought some counseling. He was emotionally abusive, and it took its toll.

I also deal with a lot less bullshit, but that has been a result just of growing up, I think. I am more self-protective all around. I give people fewer chances to f*ck up before I cut them off. This has been a good thing.

I understand men, sex and women’s reactions to both vastly more now than I did 2 years ago.

I moved to NYC because I wanted to surround myself with people who were smarter, more driven and more culturally aware than myself. I’ve gotten what I’ve needed in all those respects. It has allowed me to grow in ways I was unable to in NH. But I still miss how easy things were there, and I really miss being around now that all of my girlfriends are having kids. Heather – my best friend in the world – having her son last year … that was almost enough reason for me to not move. I hate missing the chance to see him grow up, and giving up the chance for our kids to play together.

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The book “The Four Agreements” changed my life, and the second agreement influenced me most of all. If you haven’t read it, here they are:

1. Be Impeccable With Your Word
Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

2. Don’t Take Anything Personally
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.

3. Don’t Make Assumptions
Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

4. Always Do Your Best
Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret.
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The winter lager by Sam Adams actually is one of my favorite beers. Other faves are a Belgian called Delirium Tremens, another Belgian called Duvel and I’ve always been a fan of Blue Moon. There’s a Hefeweisen I can’t remember the brewery of that I like very much.

Fave car is still the old school Jag S-type, though I do miss my pearl white Escalade with the amazing sound system.

Favorite book: not even a question I can answer at this point. So many books I read last year will have a lasting influence. I think Robert Greene’s “Art of Seduction” wins most valuable player, though. That book rocked how I operate across the board.

Favorite liquor: Grey Goose vodka or genuine absinthe (which is legal again here now)

Favorite new author: Haruki Murakami. His prose manages to be sparse and lush at the same time.

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Oh, about the title of this blog. It’s strange, man. To find out people keep tabs on you via blog. That’s all. I don’t expect it to stop, but maybe some people will take a clue. Worry a little less about my issues and worry about theirs a little more. Or a lot more. Whichever.

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