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I’m a Joyologist.

I don’t have a fear of death. I have a fear of not being alive anymore. Huge difference. I carry around moments of sadness about what it would be like to be watching happy alive people from the outside instead of the inside. What it would be like not to feel the sun shine on my skin and taste flavors.

I am not an emotional eater. I don’t have any problems with the concept of eating in moderation. In reality, I recognize that there are only a handful of dishes that taste better the day after. Even though I know very well that I will indeed eat macaroni and cheese again, THIS mac and cheese that I am eating RIGHT NOW is the best I will ever have because it is hot and melty and gooey and fresh. I have to watch what I eat because if I didn’t, I would never stop eating. Every bite I take seems to be the best and most tasty bite I will ever have.

I don’t have commitment issues. I am, at this very moment, in a committed, monogamous relationship. I enjoy being committed to one person at a time. I just don’t know if can picture that time being “forever.” I can’t reconcile myself with the idea that one person will meet most of my needs over the course of several decades, regardless of how I change as a person. If we evolve as people, then shouldn’t there be a changing set of people to be our companions through those evolutions? I’m not always looking for something better, but wouldn’t “something better” be the right default setting when we change so much over the course of a lifetime? For me, the concept of The One seems like Mount Everest personified. I love love, but the first man I ever loved fits me no better now than the first pair of ballet shoes I wore at age 3.

I am passionately, ragingly in love with this life thing. I don’t know anyone else who loves being alive as much as I do, except maybe people who have faced death. The idea of not being here, in the struggle, doing this every damn day makes me almost inconsolable sometimes. I just love this … tasting, breathing, clawing, wearing myself out, reading, singing, dancing silly in the shower. I just LOVE it.

I saw the word Joyologist somewhere and thought it was the cheesiest thing I’d ever seen. But I get it now. When your being gets close to just transparent happiness, that’s the stuff. That’s where I live. I live in deep joy and transparent happiness. It’s all in this moment. Even on the toughest days, I am incredibly grateful to be alive.

I was looking back just now on how I felt the day Gourmet died. Did I ever tell you all that the night before they announced they were killing Gourmet, I had a dream that Ruth died in a car accident? It was the weirdest feeling the next day when I heard the news. I’m pretty emotional today.

I’m emotional today because I feel a dream is coming true. Too many people love Gourmet, love what it represents, love what it offers. Today is that day – the day Gourmet comes to life again in the form of an iPad application.

Turning a new page: The Gourmet Live iPad application, 9.23.10

I could not be happier that I have something I loved so dearly back in my hands, although in a new form entirely.

If you loved Gourmet, or if you just love food or tech, please check out the application. Read all about it here: http://live.gourmet.com/questions/

See some of my tweets below from Oct. 5, 2009, the day it was announced they were shuttering Gourmet. To everyone who worked to bring it back to us in some form, thank you so much.

xx
Emily

If #Gourmet went all-digital, I’d be first in line to work there (behind everyone who just lost their job there today, of course).
Mon, October 5, 2009, 1:03pm – 1:04pm

Think of all the opportunities to push the distribution of the #Gourmet content and unify the passionate subscribers!
Mon, October 5, 2009, 1:04pm – 1:05pm

I need to meet some more people who are as obsessed with both food & tech as I am.
Mon, October 5, 2009, 1:27pm – 1:28pm

RT @ruthreichl Thank you all SO much for outpouring of support. Sorry not to be posting now, but I’m packing. We’re all stunned, sad.
Mon, October 5, 2009, 2:05pm – 2:06pm

I have participated in countless food and beverage events all over New York City since I moved here. Countless. I have eaten my way through them, written about them and even judged one.

Tonight, I finally compete in one!
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