Copper Kisses (AKA the IUD Blog)

A couple of my girlfriends are considering getting an IUD, and I promised I’d write this blog in time for it to be of use to them. I did my homework over the course of about a year before deciding to go for it in March, and there’s still shit I wasn’t prepared for. This is hopefully going to show up for anyone who Googles “what to expect with an IUD.”

Photo Credit: Liz Henry (via Flickr)

To any men who have stupidly clicked on this link wanting to know what all that kinky “copper kisses” title was about, just do yourself a favor and leave. You will have mental images and learn things about the female anatomy you wish you could unlearn and unsee.

To any women who are truly considering getting an IUD, please know that every woman’s experience with this is highly individual. Just as different women react in varying ways to the Pill, your experience with this can and most likely will be very different from what you read here.

But I think you should know that it’s gonna hurt like a motherf*cker when they put it in. FYI.

With that out of the way, here’s my personal background, some fun facts about the device and then a short synopsis of the, uhhhh, insertion process and how it’s gone since then.

Background

I went on the Pill when I was a 17-year-old virgin, right before I started college. I was super religious throughout high school up until my senior year. When I decided to start making my own decisions about my life, I knew for damn sure my college years were going to include some sex.

My mom got knocked up with my brother when she was 16. My Uncle Tom, the only one of the five uncles who is married, got my lovely aunt pregnant before they got married. And my Uncle Dave, we just found out, has a gorgeous little Filipina daughter (no, he is not married to the mother). See a pattern here? My mom’s sister had my two cousins out of wedlock and two three of my female cousins have gotten pregnant before getting married.

I am NOT getting pregnant before I know I’m with someone I actually want to create a life with. So, throughout college I was so freaked out about not getting pregnant that I usually, I’d say 80% of the time, make my boyfriend use a condom even though I was on the Pill. Silly, scared girl I was. My first sexual relationship was awesome. I wanted to have sex all the time. Yay, sexsexsex. But a few bad experiences after that made it difficult for me and I started having a couple of inconvenient medical problems like UTIs at the slightest provocation.

By the time senior year rolled around, I was tired all the time and had little to no sex drive. Which was really sad, because my then-boyfriend thought I wasn’t attracted to him anymore. As much as men can separate sex and love, they need to feel attractive and sexually desirable as much (or maybe sometimes more) than women do. When you’re with someone you love, then that physical component is a super-important aspect of maintaining the relationship.

I didn’t really get what was wrong. I figured when things slowed down at my internship and I relaxed more, my sex drive would be a little stronger. It was weird though, because I thought about sex all the time. In my head, I was a little sex fiend. The mind-body connection just wasn’t happening.

Then adulthood, with all it’s face-smacking reality, hit. The not enough sex problem had a negative impact on another major relationship. This time, the person I was with suggested I look into alternative medicine for my sex drive issues. He also suggested I go off the Pill. But since he was f*cking INSANE, I though it’d be best to prevent myself from sourcing his demon spawn. I did take one of his suggestions and go to acupuncture. Surprisingly, the acupuncture helped, and I also stopped getting UTIs.

It was only after my acupuncturist suggested that I go off the Pill that I started to seriously consider it and look back to see how it may have been affecting my sex drive. Honestly, it was difficult to place any blame on the Pill, seeing as I was a super-religious virgin who hadn’t even really developed a sex drive before I went on it. Artificial hormones were a part of my entire sexual development. I had just always had a low sex drive with the exception of that first relationship, which was about eight months after I went on the Pill. I had a sex drive then, but never after.

I started to research other women’s experience both on and after going off the Pill and quickly got pissed. Over and over, I was reading stories of women who had previously had fully functioning sex drives, but who had experienced a diminishing or downright deadening of their level of desire when they went on the Pill. And many of them said it came back, noticeably so, within months of stopping the medication. Then I was like, “Why the f*ck am I medicating my body to stop it from doing what it’s supposed to?! Why would I want to trick my body into not ovulating every month? Of course I don’t want to f*ck. My body has no incentive to f*ck!”

Before I completely lose my mind on this point (just thinking about it makes me angry), I’ll go ahead and suggest that if you’re looking to go OFF the Pill, please do your own research. Talk to your GYN and your friends. Make the best decision for yourself. I got to a point where it was important for my body to start working and going through the processes it was naturally built to go through, including all the psychotic joy of ovulating. Wooohooo! I believe the hormones in the Pill, and the amount of time I spent using them (almost 10 years to the month) significantly contributed to a lower sex drive and lower overall energy level.

That was in 2005 right after my 27th birthday, at the end of a very painful relationship and also a few months before I decided to move to NYC. All those things combined meant that there was no way I was going to get into another committed relationship anytime soon.

Tick tock. A few months went by when my sex drive didn’t really matter because I was emotionally wrecked and wasn’t trying to have sex. Then, just like a cartoon bomb, my sex drive went off. It was all brightly-colored and lopsided and outside the realms of basic decency. I was, for the first time, experiencing what it was like to have my mind and body on the same page. When my mind was thinking about sex, and I was with someone I wanted to have sex with, my body cooperated. Out of sensitivity to anyone who might be reading this blog even though I warned them not to, I won’t go into too many details, but I will say that, ummm, everything cooperated very nicely.

But there was still the problem of birth control. Even though I used condoms, I f*cking hate them. I hate hate hate hate hate them and want them all to die in a fire. A big rubbery fire. I only met one condom I liked, and when I bought a pack of that kind for myself, one broke. Never again. So, birth control in 2006 consisted of mainly condoms but also a few trips to get the morning-after pill (the, “oh shit, better take a triple dose of the Pill” pill, not the abortion pill).

What does girl do when hormonal birth control is no longer an option, but she is still deathly afraid of getting knocked up? Well, she makes sure she gets tested. Seriously – if you are considering getting an IUD, you are required to be STD-free or at least have knowledge of whether or not you are carrying anything. The reason for this is that if you contract an STD after getting an IUD, the IUD can actually track the infection up into your uterus. This can sterilize or even kill you.

Having kids is so very important to me. Just because I am not ready to now does not make it any less important to me to safeguard my reproductive health (as well as the health of anyone I’d be involved with). So, get yourself tested. I was getting tested every year anyway as part of my annual exam, but do get tested right beforehand. Your doctor will probably make you.

This is also part of why most young women aren’t told a lot about the IUD as one of their contraceptive options. It really is best that you be in a monogamous relationship if you’re going to go that route, because you’re putting yourself in more danger if you have an IUD and you’re having unprotected sex with a bunch of people. The other reason that we don’t hear a lot about this option is because there’s also a chance that your doctor could permanently damage your uterus when placing the IUD. You might not even know until years later when you try to conceive. But I hear that this is super-rare and nearly unheard of if your doctor has routinely placed IUDs (and mine had decades of experience).

Let’s see. Two final considerations: there are two types/brands of IUDs offered in the United States. (Women in other countries, especially Asia where the IUD is the most prevalent form of birth control, have more choices in terms of which IUD to use.) The one I have goes by the brand name Paraguard. It’s commonly called the Copper-T, as it’s copper-wrapped and non-hormonal. The way it supposedly works is the copper kills both the eggs and the sperm. I say supposedly, because the IUD works in a number of ways and that is just part of the explanation. (I imagine it working more like this: When the egg and the sperm show up to the party in my cervix, they see this tall copper dude hulking up in the middle of my uterus. They whisper to each other, “Hey, when did this club get a bouncer?” Then Mr. IUD turns around, makes a menacing face, and then egg and sperm run away. Nobody gets killed. They just come back another time.)

The second kind goes by the brand name Mirena and is hormonal, though it emits a lower-dose than most birth control pills. I did not want even a little bit of hormonal interference, so I didn’t go that route, but I hear that many women don’t even get their period after getting this one. So that might be a bonus for you.

The other consideration is that, according to your doctor and some secondhand information, if you are sleeping with someone who is particularly well-endowed, he may run into a little problem. Literally. If your doctor does not trim the strings at the end of the IUD (which are used to pull the f*cker back out when it’s time to get a new one or when you decide to have kids), then it could be painful for the guy because the ends of the strings are quite pokey. The strings are like fishing line, but stiffer. So, yeah, they are a little jabby.

My doctor trimmed the strings very short, so they are barely detectable. The reason they need to be felt at all is to ensure, month after month, it’s still up there. Because, oh yeah, if you’ve never been pregnant, there’s a chance that your uterus could reject that f*cker and push it out anytime during the first year. What? Don’t look at it like that. If it’s not a baby, your uterus don’t want it up there. So, until it figures out what it is, expect a little back-talk.

The good news on that last point is that if the strings are short and you are very aroused, then you really should not have a problem. You know how the rush of blood to the penis works? Well, the rush of blood you experience does something similar to your cervix, hence the fun of the G-spot and hence things swelling up around that area to make your little reproductive friend all but hidden. Yay!

Have I scared you off yet? No? Well, you are either really committed to this thing or you are sick and a little bit voyeuristic. So, read on to hear the dirtier details of insertion.

Insertion of the IUD

Getting an IUD is actually considered a surgical procedure. It has to be inserted with a device by a doctor and you may want to bring someone with you so that you don’t have to drive right afterwards. The insertion itself takes less than 5 minutes, and most of that time is spent talking about what’s about to happen and why the doctor is holding what looks like the world’s longest pair of scissors up to your vagina.

So, what’s gonna happen is that hopefully you will have had an appointment and a discussion with your GYN to talk about your contraceptive options. You will have asked for the patient inserts (the one for Paraguard is available in PDF format here) so that you can compare the two types. I would recommend reading this info super carefully and asking the doc any questions before the day of, because by the time you put your feet in those stirrups, you should feel really good about your decision. You’re gonna have to, cause you’re not gonna feel so good about anything for a couple of days afterward.

The rundown is that this birth control method is estimated to be 99.4-99.9% effective if used perfectly, and the only ways to f*ck it up are if it’s not inserted correctly by your doctor or if your body ejects it. This means even if you vomit for days, have disgusting diarrhea or are on antibiotics, you can f*ck to your heart’s content and not get pregnant. (But I would think that if you have the ass-shits, you are probably not that into the idea of sex.) The copper IUD is good for 10 years. You hear me? 10 years. And fertility returns virtually as soon as you have it removed. Removal must also be done by a doctor – you can’t just yank it out.

The Paraguard IUD is in the shape of a capital “T” and about the size of your thumb, lengthwise. Maybe a little shorter. The top, according to the website, is an inch and a quarter, and the length is an inch and three-eights. So, it’s tiny. It’s inserted up through your cervix (up beyond where a tampon would stop) and into the space in the middle of your uterus.

The reason it hurts so much, especially for a woman who has not given birth, is because it has to go through the cervix. You know how it has to dilate for a baby to come out? Well, hormones during labor help you dilate, so without that going on for an IUD, the doctor has to dilate your cervix for you. Forcibly. And it f*cking hurts like hell. At least it did for me. The doctor will slide what I mentioned looks like a very long, dull pair of white plastic scissors up to your vagina.

She will open the pair of scissors while they are inside you to be able to see what she’s doing and to give her a little room to place the IUD. One arm of the scissors has a sterile tube on it that contains the IUD. After dilating your cervix, she will shove the tube up inside your cervix, releasing the IUD. It’s this part that feels like someone put a clamp on your cervix and snapped it shut. It’s a huge pinch and it hurts like hell. I’m not a baby by any means. In fact, I like a little pain. But it hurt so much I actually involuntarily yelled when she placed it.

And it’s not over immediately, because she has to use something to go into your poor, ouchy vagina and trim the strings. She’ll perhaps make some innocent comment like, “That is a LOT of blood” and you may internally freak the f*ck out or want to punch her cause you’re afraid she f*cked up and made off with your fertility forever. But now you’re just being silly. You might also want to ask her, right before she puts it in,”What if, when I have orgasms, I come really, really hard? Because I do. Will I push it back out? Will I lose it?” Or maybe that was just me. There was an assistant in the room with us and she sort of chuckled after because I laid down and said, “That SUCKED!”

Copper Kisses

Right afterwards, there will be a lot of bleeding. Somebody just sucker-punched your cervix and left a calling card in your uterus, so it has a right to be a little pissed. You will bleed and bleed and bleed and you will be scared because you don’t understand why you are bleeding. You will Google it when you get home and find out that this is normal, and that you might bleed for another three or four days. I still don’t understand exactly where that was coming from, but I’m guessing it was coming from the uterine walls. It will be enough blood to need a pad. I’m guessing you are not going to want to even look at a tampon for the next week.

You might feel a little dizzy and you will be sore. I had sex that night, so I can’t say being sore will be a deterrent to trying that bad boy out. I didn’t get pregnant so, YAY, it works! I didn’t have sex again for I think another week or so afterwards, so just be gentle on yourself. Your doctor might tell you to avoid sex for up to two weeks to give yourself time to heal and to avoid an infection while things are all vulnerable.

Here’s the last really, really important note: the IUD protects against PREGNANCY, NOT STDs. It’s a contraceptive, but it is not a barrier to all the other things that come from having a man inside you. If you’re with someone and you don’t know that they are absolutely clean, I would like to suggest that you still use condoms.

Okay, so getting into the finer points of having an IUD, here has been my experience: The first period you have after you get an IUD will see you losing a breathtaking amount of blood. My doctor warned me that the copper IUD can cause heavier and longer periods, but said that the first three months are not a good barometer because everyone bleeds a lot. I did some online research and came across the term “bleed like a stuck pig.” Yep, that sounds about right. Previous to having an IUD, I’ve never had any problems with my period. On or off the pill, they had always been regular, fairly light and cramp-free.

So far, and I am in the middle of my third period since getting the IUD, they have been heavier. When I say heavy, I mean going through a Super Plus every 1-4 hours for the first two or three days. I’ve only had cramps the first couple days of each period, and they are only really painful first thing in the morning. I had some lower back pain last month, but have had no other problems as of yet in that regard. My doctor advised taking some Advil every four-six hours during the painful parts and I’ve only had to do that a couple of times.

Outside of that part of my cycle, I have noticed zero difference between now and when I was not using any form of birth control. I’m not moody, I haven’t noticed any change in my sex drive and most importantly, I’m still not pregnant (Yay!).

So, what about sex? Well, I just stopped seeing the person I was dating last week unfortunately, but he was great and very understanding about the whole experience. He had dated someone in the past who had gotten an IUD so he was familiar with how it worked and what to expect. My concerns were that he would feel the IUD during sex or that, you know, I would have that explosive orgasm problem. He never mentioned feeling anything and there wasn’t anything that we had to avoid or adjust because of the IUD. I was relieved to discover that the explosive orgasms did not actually cause me to lose my little friend.

I had one other question shrieking through my head right before the doctor placed the IUD. Maybe if I were Nina, I could have asked that shit, but I kept it to myself. There was an assistant in the room and I think she was already amused enough with me as it was. It’s very personal, but I will of course share it with you anonymous thousands of people reading this because I love you and I want you to know all this so that you can get an IUD if you want one.

My very last concern was whether or not the IUD would change how I taste. I said it! I’m not taking it back either.

I mean, the thing’s wrapped in copper. Have you ever had a penny in your mouth or tasted blood? “Metallic” is not the sexiest, most pleasing taste. I was seriously concerned. I enjoy all sorts of oral activity, both giving and receiving. With boys and occasionally with girls, too. So, it was important to me that my birth control didn’t f*ck up any of the fun.

I’m happy to say that according to all empirical evidence, the IUD did not lead to any decrease in oral activity. There were no copper kisses. Just lots of good, pregnancy-free fun.

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Please feel free to leave questions or comments about your own IUD/bcp experiences in the comment section here. I feel really badly that there isn’t more good experiential info available on what to expect, so I would love it if people could voice their concerns or share a little about how it has been for them. Remember, I wrote this for two women who are considering getting an IUD as we speak, so I know that this info will help people.

Also feel free, if you’re a little shy or private, to send me a message. I will try to respond to any comments or messages in the next couple of days. Thanks!

[NOTE: This post was originally published in June 2008 on MySpace. My readers' comments stayed there, but please feel free to leave a comment here now that I've made it public on my website. I will answer as best I can about my personal experience, but do encourage you to talk to a doctor if you have questions about whether an IUD is the right bcp method for you.]