I have something special planned for my 100th blog, but before I can post that, I have to share the contents of my mother’s latest special delivery. For background on my mom’s packages to me, read here.
I got two packages yesterday, for no particular reason. I opened them tonight while I was on the phone with a friend, so – in real time – I told him what was in the packages. Then I washed, rinsed, repeated with two of my girlfriends and they both laughed so hard I’m pretty sure they stopped breathing for a few minutes.
There were several good, totally unnecessary, nonsensical gifts therein. Gifts such as:
- A mini handheld vacuum
- A hose for the vacuum
- Attachments for the vacuum
- A handheld sewing machine (I actually just typed “sexing machine.” Whoops!)
- Spools of thread and a pattern for said machine, though she knows I don’t sew
- A handpainted rock
- Blender magazine
- A purple velvet pouch (ahhh – there had to be something purple)
- A book called, “The Transition to Adulthood; A Bridge Too Long”
- ” ” “The Doctor’s Book of Home Remedies; Thousands of Tips and Techniques Anyone Can Use to Heal Everyday Health Problems.” Which is how my Mom deals with bipolar disorder, but whatever . . .
But the best parts of these packages really would be better shared through photos . . .
I present to you the most glorious Mom Package Extravaganza ever: Of Douchebags & Wedding Rings
First, I found this enormous silver ring. Engraved on the outside was the word, “Amore.” On the inside, it says, “Love.” I slipped it on to find that it was too big to fit even my thumb. Deeper n the package was another smaller silver ring. It fit. It matched the other ring exactly. My mother sent me fucking cheap MATCHING silver wedding bands. But that’s not all, kids. She sent me a little advice on how to find the guy who’s supposed to wear the other one!
Then, there’s the brochures. Very informative. Because there is some information no 28-year-old child should ever be without. God forbid I don’t learn about this stuff early enough to benefit from the knowledge:
And if douching and “No!” and diagrams about getting my tubes tied don’t keep me from having sex, there’s always this:
However, my mom does retain a sense of humor. She knows how to keep it lighthearted.
As funny as this all is, each package I get from my mom makes me kind of sad. These brochures she sends me are from about 1991. There’s one in there from 1982. She hasn’t seen me since I was 14 – that’s half of my life. She’s still operating on a vision of me as an adolescent. How is she supposed to know how to relate to me? She got pregnant with my brother when she was 15 . . . she”s been talking to me about birth control since I was 12. It’s really sad, if you stop to take it seriously.
But I can’t. Not all the time. I mean, how can you not laugh when your mom sends you booklets on how to find your soul mate AND matching wedding rings? And if that doesn’t work out . . . well, there’s always the douchebag to wash the memory away.
I am speechless. I read both of your entries and I am humored and saddened at the same time. I can relate to some of this….. Bless you.
-R
I know you can relate. :) Thanks, Rima.
Holy cow. I used to get cakes from my mom in college. they were too big for just me and she3 would tell me it’s so I could “make friends.”
Tubal Ligation? WTH?
But she’s never lost contact with me, so she knows me pretty well.
@Rob – in some ways, my mom knows me better than a lot of mothers know their daughters. In most ways, though, she has no clue because I can’t let her in.
Emily Ive missed your blogs and the packages from mom. It really is sad but as Ive learned in life it gets easier and easier to find the humor in a situation you really don’t have control over.
I just stumbled on this – looks like 2 years later :)
I can totally relate. My mom had custody of me but she was as distant as possible.
Now to her 30 year old daughter she ships the craziest packages 1200 miles cross country. Sav-a-lot canned beans and corn and diet sodas (I don’t consume soda or canned foods because of a heart condition). I could fill a curio with figurines over the years if I had kept them. ugly purses, a child’s sewing machine, stuffed animals from thrift stores. A cookie monster sweater??
The kicker, is my mom tried to make t-shirts at one point. When she was high she came up with this idea “peace and a little on the side” with a picture of a hand with the pointer, middle and pinkie fingers extended outward. I’m not sure if it’s sexual or gangster or just stupid. Anyway she made like 1000 of them and not one sold. So for years she’s only worn that shirt… and to this day I still get one in every package.
thank you for your comment, elise!
always amazing to me how so many people who read this can relate to it. sad and amusing all at the same time, how our parents and people in general express themselves.